Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
