what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
