You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
