I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
