how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
last night I used snow as a chaser
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
