I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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