I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize