i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
