Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
