if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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