omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Just puked most of my soul out..
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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