He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
