Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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