it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize