so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
