woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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