I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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