Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
