1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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