guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
