This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
