I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize