i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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