Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
as a side note pls kill me
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
