i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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