How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
