i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
