grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
