I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
