I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Semen is not good for contacts.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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