yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
