Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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