Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize