Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
