so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
