my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
