I just threw up on my dentist
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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