I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
