Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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