i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
