Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
