so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Boobs speak an international language.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
