I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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