I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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