Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
