Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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