you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
