Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
