apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We need to rekindle our bromance
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
