Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Im just a social blackout drinker.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
