Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
