he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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