I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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