The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
