In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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