I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
