thus making me awesome and them whores
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
