so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
